The Squirrel Chronicles
by Spaztic Arwen
Summary: Carl wants to be a squirrel, Frankenstein wants to be a Broadway star and Gabe & Anna want each other. Insanity that could have only been concocted by the twisted minds of Spazzy A. and the Almighty Mimbi.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: We own nothing.

A/N: A collaboration between **Spaztic Arwen** and the **Almighty Mimbi**. Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.

Once upon a time there was a friar named Carl. He wished that he could be a squirrel. Why a squirrel? You may ask. We still are not sure. Regardless, ever since he had been a little alter boy Carl had dreamed of becoming a squirrel. So one day, Carl went out to forest to find his squirrel friends. On the way, he bumped into his human friend, Van Helsing.

"Damn it!" said Carl.

"Carl!" said Van Helsing. "You're not supped to curse, you're a monk!"

"Actually I'm just a friar so I can curse all I want." And he did.

"Sorry to break it to you, Carl, but you've just been promoted. You are officially a monk."

"Damn it!" Carl screamed and stormed off. Now he really wanted to be a squirrel. They need not worry about being a monk and not being able to curse.

At last, he came upon the home of his squirrel friends.

"FuFu!" he called. "Where are you?" FuFu was the great and regal, not to mention cuddly King of Squirrels. But the great Lord of Rodents was no where to be found.

"May I help you?" asked a high-pitched and heavily accented voice. Standing high above in a tree was a black squirrel that might have frightened Carl less did it's eyes not glow an evil red.

"What have you done to FuFu?"

The black squirrel laughed maliciously. Suddenly, Carl's squirrel friends slid out from the trees and crawled towards him slowly with a strange look in their eyes. Carl let out a scream which resembled that of a five year old girl. He looked about for an escape found that he could not move. The squirrels were closing in, their buck teeth bared. They launched themselves at Carl, moving in for the kill!.. ... ...

It was at that moment that the friar awoke drenched in sweat.

"Wow, and I thought I had nightmares." said Van Helsing, who had broken down the door of the lab to see what was causing the screams within. "Squirrels?"

"Yes, squirrels. And it sucks that I can't be one."

"Carl, you're a monk now, you can't…"

"I AM A FRIAR!!!!! Jezum Crow, can you at least get that right?!"

"Um, sorry to disappoint you, but you've kind of just been promoted."

Carl paused. The strangest sense of Déjà vu came over him.

"I have to go talk to FuFu!" and with that, he raced out of the lab.

"FuFu?" Van Helsing decided that perhaps he would rather not know.

At that moment the lab filled with the regal…or perhaps just annoying presence of the Cardinal.

"Where is Brother Carl? He has yet to appear for his monkly duties."

Van Helsing shrugged.

"He said something about a FuFu or perhaps it was F-you."

The cardinal was aghast.

"He is a monk now! He should not be cursing."

"Well," Van Helsing defended, "Technically, Your Eminence, F-you is an abbreviation."

"He should not be abbreviating either!"

Poor Carl, thought Van Helsing, can't even abbreviate.

"Now my son, we must get down to business. The Forces of Evil have employed a series of strange new tactics…"

Due to a short attention span, Van Helsing lapsed into a fit of silent angst, and all that he heard after that was, "Bladdie Blaa Blaa Blablabla bladie blabla squirrels."

It was 'squirrels' that had caught his attention. Hadn't Carl been rambling about squirrels earlier?

"What was that last part?"

The Cardinal muttered something about monster hunters with ADD before resuming.

"The Forces of Evil have employed a new kind of minion, one whose guile is only surpassed by its agility."

"Squirrels?"

"Must I repeat everything?"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: We own nothing.

Meanwhile, Carl was racing as fast as his legs, atrophied from perpetual hermitage within his lab, could carry him toward the clearing in which dwelt his squirrel friends. When he arrived, however, he found it deserted. The land was blanketed in an eerie silence, much like that which falls over a classroom when the infamous and noxious perfume of that certain substitute teacher can be detected in the vicinity. What was worse, none of Carl's squirrel friends were anywhere to be found.

"FuFu!" he called, "Where are you?"

"May I help you?" asked an eerily high, eerily accented, and eerily familiar voice.

"Who's there?" he asked, reeling with Déjà vu.

"You're worst nightmare!"

"OMG, my dream!"

"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Count Scrattula, the Dread Vampire Squirrel."

"W—what did you do to FuFu and the others?"

"FuFu has abdicated his throne. I am the new King of Squirrels!"

Silently, Carl's squirrel friends slid from their hiding places. Their eyes were filled with a strange and murderous light. Carl backed into a tree. There would be no escaping! The squirrels crouched for the attack. There was no doubt as to what their intention was: to kill.

From out of nowhere leapt Van Helsing like a Deus ex Machina out of hell, tojo blades blazing. Heroic music played in the background for dramatic effect. The squirrels leap through the air descending upon the hunter. The air is filled with the sound of their battle-squeaks and of course the sound of Carl's rather effeminate screams. A regiment of the beasts leap onto the monster hunter only to be cut down in midair.

"No!" pleaded the friar…pardon, monk.

"They're not your squirrels anymore Carl! DUCK!"

"What?"

"QUACK!!!"

The friar screamed once more, with feeling. A duck alighted upon the ground before him.

"Allow me to reintroduce myself. I am Count Malardlas Quackula and I have come with my army of Dark Ducks of the Devil to aid Scrattula in the smiting of you!"

"Did every animal make a deal with the devil?" Van Helsing asked, ducking as a battalion of the Dark Ducks proceeded to dive-bomb him from the air.

"Of course not," the Lord of Dark Ducks replied. "Only the most annoying. CHARGE!"

The helpless friar screamed and spewed forth a stream of curses, and for good measure, added:

"I am a friar, just a friar. F-R-I-A-R, friar! FRIAR, FRIAR, FRIAR!"

His outburst stilled the fray. The air that had been filled with the sounds of battle moments before was empty but for the chirping of crickets. Van Helsing and the evil woodland creatures stared, wide eyed. Slowly, the monster hunter reached into his pocket and drew out a piece of paper which he handed to Carl.

"Official letter of promotion." He read aloud. Realization dawned on his face. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," he paused for breath, "oooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo."

Those who knew Carl well would later say that something had died inside of him that day. Perhaps it was because from that moment on, he refused to speak, for fear of cursing and dam…well doing you know, himself and being sent to h…well, you know where. At least, that was what he planned to do. When the squirrels and ducks resumed their attack, he proceeded to scream, mostly like a girl.

Throughout all of this, Van Helsing proceeded to fight the creatures off, employing the use of his tojo blades, pistols, shot gun, Tommy-gun, squirt gun, machete, nunchaks, katana, cross bow, long bow, short bow, in-between bow, holly water, garlic, onions, celery, Supper-Soaker, cherry bombs, two AK47s, a few sticks of TNT, TMC, HBO, and STARS, an atomic bomb, an Oblivious Neutron Bomb and what ever other trinkets he had concealed beneath his coat. Soon there was nothing left but radioactive fallout and the bloodied remains of the Dark Ducks and Carl's squirrel friends. Carl found himself wandering through the wreckage, carefully stepping over decapitated limbs and bits of half roasted squirrel entrails. His eyes fell upon a site that for a moment, made him feel that his little friar…pardon, monk heart had shattered.

"FuFu!" he wailed. Lying there on the ground was the mutilated body of the Squirrel King. Carl knelt down beside him and cradled him gently in his arms.

"Squeak squeak squeakum." the squirrel whispered before his half decapitated head tumbled off.

"NO!" Carl sobbed. Forgive me, perhaps that is not an accurate description. Perhaps 'wailed like a baby' would do the truth more justice. Then an idea struck him.

"Ouch!"


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: We own nothing.

"The head bones connected to the neck bone; the neck bones connected to the shoulder bone…" Carl sang as he stitched an oversized squirrel head onto an equally oversized squirrel body. The sound of thunder and flashes of lightening did not disturb him in the least. With careful concentration, the fri—terribly sorry—monk lifted a glowing glass ball with a pair of tweezers and placed it where, in life, the squirrel's heart would be. Sparks danced about as he welded it into place.

Upon a shelf across the room sat two jars, each containing a brain which was preserved in a clear solution. The first jar read FuFu, the second, Abnormal.

"Van Helsing, fetch me the brain!"

"What am I, a puppy?"

"Just get me the brain!"

"Fine!"

Unfortunately, Carl failed to specify which brain.

"IT'S ALIVE, ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And the creature was indeed alive. As the minutes past however, it became more and more apparent that something had gone wrong. FuFu was clearly not himself. Instead of behaving in his usual regal yet adorable manner, he had taken to bouncing off of walls and chewing everything in site, including the monk's leg.

"I don't understand it!" Carl declared. He had been checking his notes like Santa would his list before Christmas Eve, yet he could see no flaw in his calculations. He had overseen everything himself. Everything except for the brain.

"Van Helsing." He called.

"Yes."

"You did use the brain in the jar labeled FuFu, didn't you?"

"Uh…"

Carl's face began a slow transformation into a beet.

"Van Helsing, which brain did you bring me?"

"Um…" He seemed to be putting a lot of thought into remembering. "Abby Someone's, I believe."

Carl slapped his forehead. Now what could he do? He decided to consult the archives of Frankenstein-related lore. He tore through a myriad of books, some negative literary criticism, a few Boris Karloff fan sites, assorted remakes, parodies, bad film adaptations, the fanfiction of some loon named SpazticArwen, a Hallmark Channel miniseries, some odd movie with Cary Elwes and a dwarf, an episode of _Wishbone_, and a play about homicidal old ladies. At last he found two options to his liking.

The first, he named Operation Victor-the-Pussy. In this plan, he would run about screaming that he had created a monster, torch his lab, abandon the creature to a life of misery and loneliness and sink deeper and deeper in to insanity. He was not so certain about this option. After all, he quite liked this lab, and a lifetime of insanity really did not sound appealing, although it might open whole new windows for scientific discovery. He was also a bit wary of threatening letters from PETA and a certain Franken-Fancier named Melissa in retaliation to his treatment of his creation.

The second option, which was looking more appealing by the moment, was Operation Frodric Fronkenstein which pretty much consisted of beating Gabriel until he cried for mercy.

A loud knock, which sounded on the door, interrupted his thoughts

"We have to hide it!" the monk shouted.

"Right."

Apparently, the Franken-FuFu had other plans. The knock had seemed to drive him over the edge and he ceased chewing upon Carl's leg and launched himself onto a shelf, which shook dangerously under his weight. Carl gulped. Resting upon the edge of the shelf was his latest invention. While Carl was not quite sure what it was for, he certainly knew all to well what it would do if dropped.

"Oh no…"

The Franken-FuFu scampered to the edge and tested it he would a diving board.

"FuFu, don't!" he shouted, but it was too late. The Franken-FuFu bent his knees and leapt, performing a perfect swan dive. The shelf fell with him. At that moment one of the two authors accidentally sat on the slow-motion switch.

"N o o o o o " t h e t w o c r i e d !!

V a n H e l s i n g d o v e f o r w a r d , c a t c h i n g t h e d e v i c e , s l i d i n g a c r o s s t h e f l o o r a n d i n t o a g l a s s c a s e h o l d i n g m a n y v o l a t i l e c h e m i c a l s . T h e c a s e s h a t t e r e d a n d t h e a i r w a s f i l l e d w i t h f l y i n g s h a r d s o f g la s s. N o x io u s s m o k e f i l l e d t h e r o o m a s t h e c h e m i c a l s h i t t h e g r o u n d , m i x i n g.

At that moment, the other author jammed the slow motion switch back into place.

"Whew." she sighed, relieved.

Meanwhile, the knocking on the door continued.

"Hide it!" Carl shouted. The monster hunter lunged to his feet and grabbed the squirrel by the tail. Spinning about, he threw the creature into a storage closet and slammed the door shut.

At that moment, the front door of the lab was torn from its hinges. A massive figure that could only be described as gianormous stood in its place. Carl threw himself to the floor as the creature loomed over him. It was not until the monstrosity began to hack up a lounge that the monk, found the courage to uncurl from the fetal position and gaze upon the beast.

"OMG, it's the Frankenstein Monster!"

Van Helsing found his footing and stood, clutching his heart.

"Don't do that to me! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" he shouted.

"Sorry," Frankenstein apologized. "But it sounded like you had your hands full and I thought it best if I just let myself in."

"About that, we sort of have a bit of a problem."

The creature eyed the equipment lying about the laboratory, noting the Universal Studios logo on some rather familiar-looking components.

"What kind of problem?" he asked, suspiciously.

"Well…Van Helsing here sort of killed my friend and I decided to bring him back to life and…let's say that things did not quite go as planned."

"Well, perhaps I can help. Perhaps it isn't as bad as you think. I mean it is not as if you gave it an abnormal brain and let him run free about the lab…is it?"

Carl and Van Helsing glanced at each other warily. At that moment, a series of loud bangs sounded from the back door.

"Damn, they followed me!" the creature shouted.

"They?"

"We might want to move this conversation elsewhere. There's an angry mob out there that sort of wants my head."

At that moment, FuFu shot out the closet like a germaphobe from a gas station bathroom and landed with a thud against the giant's chest. Frankenstein caught the demented rodent in his massive hands. Curled in a frightened ball, the creature shook and shivered from fear and abnormality. Suddenly, its convulsions stopped and he looked up at Frankenstein. As the two recognized each other for what they were, their eyes filled with the kind of shining joy only displayed by certain anime characters.

All at once, the two were frolicking through fields of daisies, hand in hand. Butterflies of a myriad of color took flight before them. Stopping beneath a tall oak, FuFu discovered a stash of nuts. He offered one to Frankenstein and the two embraced.

A brick flying through a window and the sound of one of the authors scratching a record tore the two from their daydreams.

"I hate to interrupt this touching moment," Van Helsing interrupted, "But we might want to MOVE!"

The three agreed and quietly snuck out the front door. They trekked on until they reached the charming town of Transylvania.

"Charming my Ass!" the three declared.

The story was then interrupted by an argument between the two authors as to whether Transylvania was a town or not. They decided that it was irrelevant and proceeded with the tale.

The foursome looked about but the village appeared deserted. Soon they reached Castle Velarious. The drawbridge opened for them and they entered cautiously. The castle was dark, damp, dreary and other adjectives that began with d. FuFu shivered and snuggled closer to Frankenstein, upon whose shoulder he sat.

"It's ok, little buddy." he creature said, petting the squirrel.

Carl shuddered. Try as he might, he could not shake the feeling that they were being watched.

"Does anyone get the feeling that we aren't alone?"

The others nodded.

"**BOO!" **a voice shouted.

The four screamed and whirled about to find Anna rolling on the floor, laughing.

"My god!" Van Helsing shouted. "Is everyone out to give me a heart attack?...Wait a minute, your ALIVE!"

The monster hunter lunged forward and embraced her in a loving huggle.

"Why didn't you tell me you were alive?"

Anna pushed him away.

"You didn't leave me an address, a phone number, nothing! You walked out of my life, Gabriel Van Helsing! For all I know you could have been off with some Mary Sue!"

"Of course not! You're the only Mary Sue for me!"

Anna was skeptical.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Alright, you are forgiven then."

Gabriel smiled.

"I don't think that I ever said a proper hello. Hello."

"Hello." Anna replied.

The two glanced at each other for a moment, then at the others.

"Excuse us for a moment."

Before the others could bat an eye, they were upon each other, and as the British say, snogging each other senseless.

"Hello!" Carl shouted. "Monk in the room! Let's show a little decorum!"

"Now he admits he's a monk." Frankenstein said, rolling his eyes.

"Well, I did some soul searching whilst we journeyed here and I realized that I had to accept myself for what I am because the greatest love of all is inside of me."

"Um… r—ight. Maybe we should leave them alone."

And so the three left the room as fast as they could.

Meanwhile, a rather creepy top-hatted undertaker was prowling about the village. He was shocked to see a sight that had not terrorized the village for over a year.

"It's the Frankenstein Monster!"

"Monster, who is the monster here?" shouted the mad Franken-Fancier whom Carl had made reference too previously. Fortunately, she was trampled to death by an angry mob before she was able to continue quoting the scene (which, she would have you know, she can recite in its entirety!).

From the hill above, Frankenstein sighed.

"There goes my only fangirl."

One of the authors squealed with glee at the death of the obnoxious but beloved one while the other reminded her of the Franken-fancier's last wish; to have _Poor Jud is Dead_ played at her funeral. The gleeful author agreed and promised to honor an old oath and create a techno remix of the song for that purpose.

Meanwhile, three of our heroes tore through the village and into the Velarious Manor. They pulled apart the reunited lovers who were still snogging in the foyer, dragging them up a flight of stairs. It was then that Carl stopped short and removed the device that FuFu had almost destroyed from his pocket.

"Now I know what it's for!" he shouted. "Where are we go…oh no, not again!" As the device exploded, the five launched themselves through a window.

"COLD!" Carl shouted as he hit the water. "Cold, cold, cold co0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0old!"

"We get the point, Carl!" Anna shouted.

Unfortunately, the members of the angry mob were not undead. One could in fact say that they were un-undead. But let us not dwell upon semantics. The point is that they were not in fact fried by the thingy. They were not in the least bit daunted and began to throw themselves out of windows, balconies and rooftops and into the moat. Those who did not let lose a shower of rocks, torches, flaming arrows, lawn furniture and old ladies.

"Anna!" Van Helsing called. He wrapped a protective arm around her and shielded her with his body.

"What about me!" Carl shouted as a lawn gnome struck him on the head. From the tower of the castle, six villagers heaved a picnic table out of the window. Carl looked up in time to see it falling.

"Oh He…I mean heck!"

Frankenstein raced by, pausing to pull the table off of him.

"Quit fooling around Carl!"

"Let's get out of here!" the monster hunter shouted.

As the five of them swam toward the edge of the moat an old lady came splashing down in front of them, causing Anna to scream.

"Wow, that was fun! Let's go again!" the elderly projectile said as she swam back to the castle.

"Um …Ooo—k."


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: **KaseyBasey **contributed to this chapter. Yay **Kasey **and her piratey goodness.

"Home sweet home" the giant said sadly.

"Was that just a serious moment?" Carl asked.

Frankenstein just shrugged.

"One of the authors likes angst. The other one doesn't know what angst is."

At that moment, Merriam Webster appeared from the great beyond.

"Angst, noun: a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity."

"Thanks!" the author shouted as he returned to…well….where ever he came from.

"Who in their right mind would name their son Merriam?" Van Helsing asked.

"Someone who really wanted a daughter?" Anna suggested.

"Someone whose son really was their daughter?" offered Carl. The others stared at him.

"What?"

"Hey!" Van Helsing called, holding up a handful of green bottles. "Lookie what I found!"

"Yay!" Anna shouted gleefully.

"Absinth is strong stuff." Frankenstein warned.

"How do you know?" Carl asked.

"Well, I needed something to do while I was living out my sad and lonely existence in this desolate place."

"You know," the monk said, "Drinking alone is a sign of Alcoholism." He put his hand on the giant's arm. "Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery."

"Um…r—ight."

"Don't let it touch your tongue." Anna warned, taking a long swig.

Carl sighed ruefully as he surveyed the other's merriment.

"I can't drink now that I'm a monk, can I?"

Van Helsing tossed him a bottle.

"I won't tell if you won't."

"Yay!"

He proceeded to gulp his bottle down with the others. At least, in theory. In actuality, he spewed the green liquid everywhere.

"Damn it to Hell, that's strong stuff!"

After a few shots, the hallucinations began.

"Drink up me hearties, Yo Ho!" Van Helsing shouted and Carl and Frankenstein chimed in.

"And really bad eggs!"

Anna sauntered across the cavern, stumbling about.

"Oh Captain Gabe, would you help me with this corset?" she asked.

"Aye aye luv." He staggered across the cavern but tripped over his own feet, landing hard on the ground.

"Oh no," she sighed. "Whatever shall I do? This corset is _so_ tight!"

"May I" Frankenstein hiccupped, "be of assistance?"

Giggling, the princess turned to allow him to unlace the offending garment. Scrambling to his feet, Van Helsing slapped the creature's hands away, insisting that he was sober enough to undress his girl himself thank you very much!

Soon the room began to spin and the inevitable drunken blackout approached. Before his eyes were forced shut by the weight of intoxication, Carl thought that he could see a tiny, emerald figure floating above his head.

"Hello," it giggled. "I'm the Green Fairy."


	5. Chapter 5

Forgive me, but I must pause this tale to respond to what I believe is the most spectacular flame ever written. My dear _Hortensia Noobis_, your scathing wit has given me pleasure to no end! The descriptions that you used to describe me were some of the best that I have ever read. I speak for both myself and the Almighty Mimbi when I say that we could all learn from your colorful use of insults.

However, I would like to point out that I should be either a "mass of putrescence" or a "putrescent mass". To call me, or shall I say us, since you seemed not to comprehend that this fic was written by two people, both jerk and cad seems rather redundant. I would delete the former and keep the latter.

I would also like to remind you that while some people loath the taste of sour lemons, others thoroughly enjoy them. Therefore, I will take your comparison of my—or our—person to "a big suck on a sour lemon" as a compliment.

I wish to congratulate you on the accuracy of your assessment of my stature. You were very close when you described me as a dwarf. However, at 5'1", I believe that I stand several inches above the stature used to diagnose dwarfism.

It is curious that you make so many references to my bodily odder, seeing as though, to my knowledge, we have never met. Despite this, your descriptions of my stench are no less cruel and scathing and I commend them, but would suggest that you limit such insults in the future, seeing that you have no real evidence confirming them.

While I admit that this story is filled with plenty of "unnecessary material", it was not written to impress. I am well aware of the fact that this story is written in a seemingly pretentious style, but it was meant entirely to entertain. Many mock epics are written in elevated styles. And if readers are determined to find me nincompoop, why should I make their lives easier? Perhaps the greatest joke of all is that you actually took the time to read my wordy nonsense!

You claim that monkeys look down upon me, and I would probably agree. My short stature allows most creatures to have to incline themselves downward in order to have a conversation. I cannot, however, refute your statement that sheep would not have sex with me, as I have never attempted intercourse with one.

You make several references to my opinions, but to my knowledge, I have not presented any. I feel nothing but admiration for the film Van Helsing. As Terry Irwin once said "Parody is the highest form of flattery," and his fic was intended as an affectionate parody, not to mention a way to provide Mimbi and myself with something to do during the long hours of Algebra class. It is largely just an inside joke and was posted as a continuation of that joke.

With that said, I leave you in peace. May you find less frustration in your further readings.

Sincerely,

Spaztic Arwen.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Van Helsing and co. are property of Universal Studios. The song "Wild, Wild, Party", is from a musical by the same name.

A/N: We would like to give special thanks for all of your kind reviews. Who would have known that a flame would be so good for publicity?

Carl awoke to a strange sensation; the feeling of something scratching against his neck. Reaching behind him, his hand fell upon a face, a face with whiskers. A face with whiskers and long hair. A face with whiskers, long hair, and a large hat.

"GAH!"

He quickly detangled himself from the monster hunter's arms. Slowly, the fog that shrouded his memories of the previous night faded.

"Ah, now I remember." The friar shuddered violently and stumbled back. He tripped over two huddled objects and looked down to see Frankenstein and Anna both scantily clad, lying unconscious in each other's arms. It was at that moment that the friar realized how terribly hung over he was. Overwhelmed by pain, he snuck off to Castle Frankenstein to build a time machine so that he might find an era in which Aspirin existed.

At that moment Van Helsing awoke from his booze induced slumber. Sleep faded from his eyes only to be replaced by the sight of Anna, corset removed—along with several other articles of clothing—snuggled suspiciously close to the giant.

"What is going on here?" the monster hunter roared. His shouts echoed within his aching skull and he immediately regretted them. Anna and Frankenstein were roused by his voice.

Above them, if one looked closely, one might have spotted a small woman in green with delicate wings upon her back, twirling a curl from her blond bob with her fingers and giggling.

"Can you say 'What the fuck did I do last night?'" she asked sweetly before waving her wand and disappearing in a cloud that smelt quite a bit like burning cannabis.

Below, the princess and giant hastily detangled themselves.

"What the fuck did I do last night?" she shouted.

To which Van Helsing replied that he did not know but certainly was not happy about it.

Anna tried to apologize, telling Van Helsing not untruthfully that she could not remember much of the previous night. Frankenstein muttered a similar apology and slipped off to sulk over the fact that the only woman who had ever overcome his hideous and wretched exterior and show him love and tenderness had been absolutely wasted at the time. He chose a cavern two caves down and proceeded to express his sorrow through song.

Meanwhile, Anna was proving to her beloved just how sorry she in fact was. It was at that moment that Carl chose to return from his quest for Aspirin.

"Oh my goodness! You could have left a hat on the door handle or something!"

He quickly fled the area, taking refuge three caverns down. The monk attempted to make himself comfortable, using an overturned stalactite—or perhaps stalagmite, he could never tell the difference—as a bench. On the floor lay a bible, presumably Frankenstein's, and Carl lifted it gingerly, flipping through it pages. FrankenFuFu, who had mellowed out slightly since his creation, scampered over and studied the monk with squirrelly curiosity.

Carl, noticing that he had attracted the attention of the undead woodland creature, put down the book with a sigh.

"Surprised to see me reading this?" He asked the royal rodent, who nodded his whiskered head in reply. "Well, despite all of my complaining, I do enjoy some of my monkly duties. When I read the bible, I can't help but think to myself…ah but it's silly."

Now Fufu did not know much about religion, but he did know an epiphany when he heard one. He squeaked encouragingly, urging the monk to share his revelation.

"Well, I always thought that the bible would make an excellent musical!"

Then again, the squirrel king had been wrong before.

"Oh come now, can't you just picture it? Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden. Everything's peaceful, and then all of a sudden it's 5—6—7—8: '_God has said don't eat that apple child, it's bad, forbidden fruit_.'" Carl sang in a high voice. Fufu's eyes widened. This was a side of his friend that he had never seen before, and was beginning to wish that he had not.

"_God has said:_

_Don't break my laws  
Or give me cause  
To use my boot_

_Don't go that route!_'

Carl jumped up as if seized by some wild muse—albeit one with no sense of rhythm—and began leaping around in fits of frenzied chorography.

"_Cool paradise turned HOT!_

_We were having a wild, wild party  
We were loving it loud and fast  
We were having a wild, wild party  
And hoping the beer would last!   
Adam, help me now_!"

A scantily clad Van Helsing chose that moment to enter the cavern.

"Do you mind? Anna and I are trying to have makeup sex and you are killing the mood!"

A/N: I, SpazticArwen would just like to say that **Franknestien Lover** is a girl (I assume) after my own heart. I too am thoroughly depressed by the lack of frankenfics out there. He is da MAN!!...sort of. Never fear; he will not be lonely and angsty for long, despite how much I lurve writing him as such (And in a frenzy of self promotion, I'm going to suggest that you read some of my other stuff. Most of my VH fics are somewhat Frankie centric.). The Almighty Mimbi and I have plans for him this fic, lots of plans. With in the next two chapters, we will learn something very unexpected about Frankenstein.

P.S. I can't spell either!


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